the unexpected
the holiest moments i’ve had with the Lord come in the most unexpected times —
not in loud worship music or prophetic words, not in these moments of high emotion or passion, but often in the quiet. In moments when i’m walking the trail or sitting in my thoughts, caught off guard by the sudden but gentle presence of the Holy Spirit. Today as I walked the trail I became very aware of His presence and His invitation to turn off my podcast and be with Him. Psalm 27 came into my mind — “seek my face” he said, and I smiled to myself, “your face Lord I will seek.” Turning off my podcast I slowed my pace and listened.
“linden, mercy is your daily portion, and righteousness is the gift I paid a high price for. Don’t make it cheap by trying to earn it. Maybe you’re frustrated because you’re trying to work for what you can only get by receiving,” He said with so much tenderness my eyes instantly welled with tears. This overwhelms me. I don’t deserve this gift. I don’t deserve this mercy. A drop of the blood of Jesus covers a lifetime of sins, and yet He shed His entire body’s worth — fully paid for, fully loved, to be reconciled with us and to remove the wrath of God from us, now in Christ we get to be resurrected in His righteousness.
He always knows what’s going on before I even say a word. It reminds me of psalm 139 — His keen awareness of everything I do, everything I think, every struggle I’m having. He sees it, He’s intimately involved in the details. He speaks right to the heart of the matter. He didn’t bring up the sin I’ve been struggling with or the ways I haven’t been loving others or Him well, He spoke to the root where all those things are birthed from. He knows how much I struggle with religiosity, performance, strife. He knows the ways that it crushes my spirit and drives me to hardness of heart. He knows that at the root of this religiosity is the belief that God‘s love is actually based on my performance, that His love is conditional — and it is that root, that must be dug up, that must be confessed, that must be met with truth and most importantly, the Love of God. What we believe about God drives us either to rebellious sin & performance, or love-compelled obedience and sonship.
“Tell me what you’ve been holding in,” He said. As I started to cry, which I often do (and I thank God for — tears melt hard hearts), I started to tell Him why I’ve felt disappointed. Why I’ve pulled back. Why I’ve been so hard on myself. Confessing what I have been struggling with. Scripture says loving kindness LEADS us TO repentance. Love, the kindness of God, inspires true repentance in us. Not our mustered up efforts to cover our bases. Healing repentance always begins with an encounter with the love, Holiness, goodness, and mercy of God.
And in a moment all my affections return to Him, all of my wrong beliefs melt into the truth of His word — I see His kind eyes and He says, “i understand linden.. i understand.” To have a friend who sits and listens with empathy, not trying to fix or change, but is present… is a treasure. And I am continually reminded of the friendship that I have in Jesus, the one that is perfect and beautiful and overwhelmingly good. With one word from Him and one glance at His eyes, I’m overcome with a new perspective, the realization of the moments of rebellion in my heart, the apathy, the distraction, the selfishness or pride.. confessing it quickly with tears, not because I feel condemned but because I’m compelled by love. All too easily I believe lies about who He is, and in these moments I see so clearly that He is far better, kinder, more gracious and more merciful than I could ever imagine, and my heart is humbled. When you hurt someone you love, the hurt you cause them hurts you, you love them so you want to ask forgiveness. You want to change.
I kept walking and looked up at the clouds, took note of the way the leaves rustled on the trees, watched the golden light dance across it all — He’s in these details. That’s why they feel so Holy. All of our lives are wrapped up in the love of God.. I must not forget it when the mundane or trivial moments in life become all consuming.
Lord, keep my eyes on you, let me not forget your goodness, let me not grow so distracted I miss you in the details or I crowd out your voice with other things. Direct my heart to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ — that I would know you and long for you more than anything else in this world. Thank you for showing me the gospel every day in the way that you seek me out, in your grace, in your mercy, in your love though I am so undeserving. You are the greatest gift I could ever receive. I love you.
Amen.
